So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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