you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
