the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
