we're making bets on your personal life
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Everyone says I win the strip club
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
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