im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
