I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
