Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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