FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
