I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
