I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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