Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
