I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
