I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
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