this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
