but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
