i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
