so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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