false alarm. still invincible.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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