Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
