Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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