____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm determined to sit on that face.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
