dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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