I'll bet she douches with gravy.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
