Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I just cut my nipple shaving
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
