Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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