On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Randomize
