i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
