I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
