Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
