Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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