Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
