he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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