my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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