i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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