im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
