dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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