i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
