i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
