If that was your dad, he is hot
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
