I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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