some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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