Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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