why didn't you poke me back
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
my sisters under your porch take her home
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
