Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I want to fling myself into the sun
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
