my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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