Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
