Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
