It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
