I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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