My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
