So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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