Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
