I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
