so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!