How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I smell stomach acid.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
25 Shocking High School Scandals You Won’t Believe Are True
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.