After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
