can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
