this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
