This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
