Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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