yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
