Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Randomize
