im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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